I think I use this site for self reflection more than an update on my life. This site shows my ugliness. Why do I analize myself so much anyways? Maybe I need to learn how to not think anymore. Just tell my brain to stop.

you know, I am really not doing anything that I should be doing. I am not involved in the church like I know I should be. I am not doing anything for the kingdom. I mean, besides my job being in the helping field, I am not helping anyone. I need to work on that.

I realized that I have a certain struggle that I have been dealing with since I was a little girl. I have a deep need and desire to be loved and accepted. The bad part about this is that even when I am loved and accepted I don't "feel" like it. I struggled with the issue in high school, at teen mania, in college, and even now I am still struggling with it. I always feel out of place. Then, when things get really tough for me, I want to move and start over, but moving isn't the answer. It actually hurts me even more because I end up moving so much that I don't have the time to invest in strong friendships. This all started with my family-they are not to blame...it'smy only faulty thinking, but I did not feel accepted in my own family. I know now that I am loved and accepted by them but I find it hard to accept them now. I think I just need professional help instead of letting the xanga world know everything in my head. Like I said, this is the ugly part.

I don't know who all reads this. I know that you care. I'm sorry for my selfishness and I am sorry for not responding to some of you. Angela, I love you and miss you and hope you are doing well. I will try to write you.
I have gone through the hardest time of my life so far. But change is occuring, the long drawn out situation is forcing change upon me. I have resisted this moment for a long time and probably have caused myself more grief than needed. I have so many more issues I need to deal with. But I don't want to be defeated and I do have a desire for what is pure and holy. I have needed a refreshment on what my purpose is, and where I am going with my life. (which the cool part is in my college group, right after I was asking God what my purpose was, the college pastor was teaching on a scripture that was in my vision statement from Teen Mania-crazy huh? I don't remember my entire vision statement but that certain scripture was apart of it and the timing of his teaching was perfect.)Things are coming slowly with me. I am slowly accepting where I am at and what is happening with this situation.

Things to pray for more specifically are: That I let God be in control instead of trying to control my own life. ( I realized this tonight in my college and career group-someone was talking about this and I was thinking "that is what I have been doing. I am trying to control my life instead of allowing God to be in control").

To desire what he has planned for me, where he wants me to live, who to live with, where to go to school and when and who to be with. Also to desire his will, not my own.

 I also need prayer for my trust issue. I have allowed my experiences with people to shape my view of how I trust God. I can't let God be in control unless I trust him. And I need to trust him completely and to stop thinking I can't trust him b/c he failed me or let me down or wasn't there for me. I can't blame God for what happened to me. I have a lot of hurt that needs healing too.

I have pride. Then anger has risen inside of me and I hate my ugliness of sin. Satan has been really trying to destroy me emotionally and I have allowed myself to be distant from God when I shouldn't have. So prayer over these areas of sin in my life would be great. I just want to be free. Free from sin. Free to love and trust and obey. I need to obey. And on my want list is a best friend. I have a lot of friends I am close too, but I lost my best friend and I really miss having that person to share everything with. Also my brother claims to be an atheist. And another friend of mine has is no longer a christian. Please pray for both of them that Christ would reveal the truth to them and they would repent and turn from their sin. It's heartbreaking.

I know this is all about me. I love everyone and miss you all. I really love all my memories from teen Mania and what I learned there. I miss my friends from my freshman year at Belhaven. I wish I could have built stronger friendships there and been there longer. So this was long but needed.

This post is just for me to vent about my own life. I'm not necessarily looking for responses, unless you want to pray for me because I know I need it.

Really I am at the toughest place in my life. I have made some wrong choices that has lead me to this miserable place. I can't describe the pain I feel and how horrible it is to live everyday. I can't kill myself because it would be too hard on my immediate family or else I would be tempted too. I know it sounds bad, because my depressive state is bad. I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought I could feel this pain. I have never felt so miserable, so worthless, so hurt, so angry, so bitter, and so broken in my entire life. I don't have many to turn too. Only a couple of people know the whole story. Only a couple of people understand my postion. I really should be going to counseling but it just cost too much and I don't want to go to someone in the church, for a few different reasons. 

When did one person's opinion of me matter so much in my life? When did I loose my zest for life? Why can't I allow myself to enjoy other people? When did I loose site of my own purpose? I almost want to leave but have no where to go. I have pushed all my support out the door. And starting over in a new place is too painful. I never got peace when I needed it. I never got what I needed the most when I wasw hurting the most. I am angry about that too. Why would I be forsaken when I didn't do anything wrong? Why was someone else favored over me when I was living the way I was supposed to? I don't see the light and I have lost sight of hope.  Pain, hurt, and rejection (even rejection by God) has broken my spirit. I am alone no matter how many are around me. No one understands, no one feels that pain, and no one can take it away. This is misery.  

I have been taking dance classes and I sometimes go dancing on the weekends. It is a ton of fun. Ballroom is so just beautiful. Salsa is so much fun though. It is a hot dance. I love being in Florida where the weather is warm. I hope you all have a great day.

For all of you who was interested in my mypsace account, here it is:

http://www.myspace.com/yahwehdancer

However, my profile is set to private- so add me as a friend and then you will be able to see my profile. Thomas, you will have to set up a myspace account in order to see mine- Sorry I just thought of that.

Currently Listening Beautiful Awakening By Stacie Orrico see related